old things written on cynicworld once upon a time

cynicworld

So first it was this dull aching pain, actually it started with great happiness, a joy i had never felt before. Like your heart was singing and flying and soaring..i think, if i remember correctly

..then came the crushing, breaking, hurting, crying, yearning, even a bit of hating and anger. Like your heart was going to pull itself out of your body, the pain was so great it was physical... as if someone stabbed you with a dull knife passing through skin leaving it intact only to wrench itself into your heart..but that's only a vague memory

then came the dull aching and even that sort of died away and became numbness...because time had been so long you kind of get used to it and the more stabs with the knife, the easier it became to just layer on the pain and ignore it. so tired of feeling that dull ache, you just become numb..but you still remember what it felt like, to breath with your heart, i can't feel that breath anymore, it's like my heart is suffocating..

i guess what i'm getting at is this one question:

can i have my heart back?

"Why are you mad?"

"I'm mad because you're not listening to me."

"I am listening, you're the one not listening to me."

"Okay fine, i'm listening now, what is it?"

"I love you."

"You do? And what kind of love is that?"

"I'm not sure exactly... I think it's the kind where I love you.. but I can't."

"i love you"

"i know"

"no seriously, i love you"

"I know"

"no, I really LOVE you."

"I KNOW.. I love you too."

....I'm sorry, I didn't know... I still don't.

I had forgotten who I was. I had forgotten what love was. I was blinded. So caught up inside a sadness that was eating up my soul everyday. Then I found it, the blue daisy. Laying there in my mailbox. Such a small gift. A representation of how much I was loved and how I had so much love left to give. It carried with it a ray of hope. Just this small blue daisy reminded me of who I was.