Thursday, June 23, 2005

eye!


--jadeheart

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

'getting over it'


- its a funny saying.. do people really 'get over' things, feelings, people, situations.. what does 'getting over it' really mean? dealing? letting go?



these days I feel like it means to learn to life with whatever 'it' is. it is a change of emotion or feeling about a situation. it can easily fall back as you move past one emotion into another. it feels like a
changing of the mind from one moment to the next. so many things swirl inside my head and almost 2 years later i've reduced it to only a dulled sense of the pain that hit me that day in october. the day when the 'the world isn't fair' revealed it's true self to me and introduced it's depth into my life. dramatic? of course as it should be.

let me let you in.. i wanted to rage that day but i couldnt . i knew that it was no one's fault? that death is the only true certain-ty that no one can escape. not to be feared but to be accepted. but that ever supposedly irrational side of emotion wanted/wants to argue otherwise. i know others who have had hard, 'unfair' lives and it occurs to me that there really isn't a measurement to 'unfair'. which leads into my empathy that often saves some poor soul from feeling the wrath of my grief. my patience is shorter these days and sometimes judgement pops into my head when others complain and that ever pervasive thought 'you have NO IDEA about unfair' screams at the forefront of my brain. but that sense of 'they can't understand because they haven't experienced it' will follow rapidly, closely followed by 'vicki, you probably don't understand their hardships and "unfairs" either, who are you to judge'. and the anger will fade but that thought doesn't disappear it just recedes back until it impetuously finds it's way back again.



I can only hope that someday 'getting over it' will mean that my patience will lengthen and the intervals between the 'you have NO IDEA about unfair' thoughts will grow and grow until it's negligable and replaced with a tender sorrow. no more anger. just a saddness that I know I will never forget followed by the memories of her love that keep me safe and looking towards the future. making her proud and being me to the best of my ability.


--jadeheart

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

auto-pilot


i start driving and blank out come into my eyes a few miles down the road not sure where my head has been only realized i've just kept going.. it's life's auto-pilot.


it turns on and you just keep going, the routine has become the same and suddenly the world's turned a dull, light gray and it feels like a giant cubicle. i've been removed from my friends and each day has become routine. it seems like we're not capable of handling the world larger than the immediate surroundings. We're like lighthouses who can only see and manage what we 'light', and we miss out on the other things, even things that used to be unless they're right there in front of us. Occasionally a boat will pass by and a hello will go out to an old friend, but back I go again.. same old routine in my light gray box.


i remember a time when i lived with roommates and even if i was home 'alone' i wasn't. i had someone to converse with, someone to play with, there was an immediate fix to my need for social gathering. but living at home, along right now sucks. my light gray box settles around my house when i'm by myself and i start at every sound that comes in the night, double check the doors are shut and locked, close each door on my way to my room, ears tuned for creepy crawlies and ghosts around the next corner. but when there's people in my house and life around me, social gathering and comfort, the light gray box disappears and it gets sunny again and my heart soaks it up, it's wonderful.


... but the people leave :( and my light gray box comes back. i wonder if that makes me needy. hehe or maybe i just miss people.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

on a swing @ the park, mouth full of ham and cheese sammich....waiting
--jadeheart

I've had two near cases of food poisoning in the last two days you'd
think I'd have learned by now, but I really haven't. first it was bad
hummus, then it was to much dairy.. the syomach pain both of witch put
me to bed in the fetal position wishing it would disappear. why is it
that the mind so quickly forgets how much the body and soul hurt. each
time we experience pain it seems like hell on earth yet moments (be they
long or short) later we forget the pain we had jsut felt! defense
mechanism? ....further analysis will be done later... right now I just
wish the pain would go away.
--jadeheart

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I want my photo to show up!!
--jadeheart

me bored at work. tired. 30 more minutes to go! my face has been
hurting.. I developed an allergic reaction to something in a lotion so
now my cheeks look like those of a little 2 year old who's been running
around and suddenly stopped.
joy! I wonder if tags work <b> bold </b>

mobile blogging

I'm so lazy look no posts since January! ahhh but now I can mobile
blog! perhaps this will make things easier...
--jadeheart

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I am: drinking as much water as I possible can.
I think: people aren't really listening to each other.
I know: that I can do better.
I want: more than I have right now.
I wish: I had more of a goal in life.
I love: my bf, my family, my friends and that I can still feel love :).
I hate: liars, being too sensitive, commitmentphobia (my own).
I miss: my mom and my grandfather.
I fear: never achieving true potential (whatever that is).
I feel: my contacts squeezing my eyes and sleepy.
I hear: crazy people in the lobby.
I smell: hot coca with marshmallows.
I see: the monkeys on my wall.
I crave: tenderness.
I wonder: where I'll be in 3 years.
I regret: never having said enough.
I search: for my reality to align itself with my heart.
I am not: as patient as I once was.
I believe: in love.
I sing: in the car and the shower.
I have: more than I realize.
I dance: whenever I can get away with it.
I do not always: hear what my dad has to say.
I fight: back fear that I'll never do what I really want to do.
I hope: that I'll become who I want to be.
I never: say never.
I confuse: my words sometimes.
I ache: from loss.
I can usually be found: daydreaming.
I am scared: of the dark.
I need: love.
I lack: a bit of stability.
I am happy about: how I've handled my life so far.
I expect: to change and grow.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

christmas on a plane, new years in shanghai

I spent Christmas Eve into Christmas day on the UA flight.. you'd think it was nice, but I have to say.. UA Business class (yes i'm spoiled) service has deteriorated. This is how I know I've turned into my father's daughter, when I want to take the flight attendents aside to teach them proper customer service. Now honestly, how hard can it be? Not to mention it's your job!

My dad has this tendency to 'teach' wherever he goes, mostly the waitresses, coz we pretty much eat dinner out at some chinese restaurant every night, so needless to say, I got to hear the 'lecture' given oh... 10 times at least.

Taiwan was lovely, humid, scattered showers and more warm than cold. Visited the new tallest building in the world Taiwan 101 and got to see mr. daniel lee! He's been teaching english in taiwan for the last 5 months. It was so good to see him, we went to Taipei 101 and had lunch.. lunch as in itself and experience. There are an incredible amount of people in Taiwan and on the weekend at the mall and for some reason they congregate as a mass in the food court. Now I hate to be rushed, especially while I'm eating, but you literally had to hunt like hungry lions after a gazelle for a place to sit! We were wandering around with our trays for what seemed like 10 minutes (it was prolly more like 5-7) til Daniel spotted somewhere. I got to taste traditional Taiwanese food, granted I picked the safer version with fried tofu, veggies, soup and rice. Daniel order oyster omelete, honestly tastes like oyster with egg.. I prefer the fried tofu.

I also visited my grandfather's grave, had to lots to say to him in my heart. I miss him so much and it still hurts to know that I couldn't have a few more words with him. I love you grandpa, always.

Next off to Shanghai.. and for political reasons, instead of flying 2 hours from Taipei to Shanghai, we had to fly to Hong Kong (1.5 hours) and wait another 1.5 hours to then fly north to shanghai (2 hours). Lovely.. gotta love the relationship between Taiwan and China right now.

We've been living at my dad's cousins places, one owns the top floor of an apartment building and the other the bottom floor. It's been great, my aunt took me shopping, then my cousin took me shopping and we've been having foot and body massages left and right.. I'm massaged out right now, and it's actually starting to hurt! I've had yummy chinese breakfast every morning and delicious food throughout the day. It's basically been, eat breakfast, shop, eat lunch, massage, eat dinner, come home and sleep.

We did stop by the buddhist temple to pay respects to my mom's memorial there. My dad had an 8 hour service done for her the last time he was here. Some monks chanted while we kneeled and kow towed. I always know she's gone, and if I think about it too much I feel her absence, I don't like to think about it to hard. But sometimes you can't help it, she really is gone... One year later and I know there's still a part of me that's died with her. It's like a room no one goes into anymore, it's door is shut and everything in it is left exactly as it is and yet I'm still not completely sure exactly what's in the room.. but I don't want to open the door.

Mom, I love you.

New years was spent uneventful, I was waiting for the clock to pass 12 so I could go to bed. Wish I could have been with the boyfriend for New Years.. finally have someone to kiss on New Year's countdown and I have to be 3,000 miles away in a different country with a crazily different time zone. *MUAH* Love you too Wes. :)

Alrighty, off I go, only a few more hours and I head to the airport to finally go home.. thank goodness I don't have to go straight to work. I took the day off, yipee! I miss the states! (Did I mention Shanghainese (many Chinese ppl in general) can be pushy and rude!... oh man.. going to develop an ulcer if I stay longer)

Bye family! Thanks for everything!

i hope in 2005...

to write more often in my blog (so perhaps others can make sense of my randomness)

to exercise more.. or rather continually/regularly

to create more of a plan for my future

to study a language

to save more money

to remember these hopes 3 months into the new year ;)


happy christmas and new years everyone! it's bloody cold in china right now!